hmmm…an interesting thing that I have experienced is, people in my Caucasian family feeling free to use words or expressions that are inappropriate, thinking they are showing unity….believing that they are now “one with” or “related to” my husband, who is African-American. My late father, WASPy as they come. was much given to “watermelon” jokes but only in my Black husband’s hearing….but my dad really thought he was showing his love, not his prejudice….

How I felt about the situation would depend on what the comments are. Are they hateful? Are they just jokes? As we know, jokes can be hateful in and of themselves. But they can also just be light jokes, which might be ok.

For example, recently we were picking up my father and some other family members. One of my brothers said we looked like a “bunch of Mexicans” the way we were so tightly packed in the car. Everyone laughed – including my 1/2 Mexican husband. So we all may make these kinds of stereotypical jokes.

Repeated put-downs of course can have negative influences on the developing esteem of young children. So as parents, definitely we should be aware of that. But I don’t know, some jokes are acceptable (in my eyes at least). Drawing the line between acceptable and not acceptable is the critical part.

NanaKath I don’t doubt for one minute your Dad felt he was showing his love. I suspect that many people who behave like your family, using inappropriate expressions and telling stereotypical jokes do it out of feeling familiar and wanting to relate to the other person(s). This often happens when relationships reach a level where people may no longer identify the other person(s) as a member of a specific race, culture or faith but just as their friend, spouse or relative. So the question remains…..does that make it okay?

I think prejudice and racism are two different things. We all prejudge. We make categories and put people in them. Categorization is what we do to understand all the data we take in every day. Of course most of the stereotypes we use to define groups of people are just wrong. Being racist is a whole ‘nother thing. Racism means you believe one race to be superior and another to be inferior. Most of us are not racist.

So, to answer your question, yes, we can – and do – hold prejudices about the race of loved ones. We hold prejudices about our own race(s)! I’m sure there’s people out there that think they are racially superior to their mates as well.

As parents of Children of Color, it is our duty to prepare our children for the realities they may face. One of these realities is being exposed to racism and racist comments. It’s pretty obvious to protect your child from external racism, it’s not so obvious to protect them from racism within the family, so this is a good point.

I agree with Carlos, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t prejudge people and put them into groups. I am VERY guilty of this and I many times judge people on their appearance and place them into a group in my head. This is a dangerous thing to do, but it is the human way. We are exposed to so much information every day that to protect ourselves we must sort information into categories that are safe and keep moving. Education is a major source of prejudice for me. I assume that more educated people dress, act, and speak a certain way and that uneducated people have their own way. This may hold true for the majority, but certainly is not a rule. I am guilty of this on all fronts, random strangers, family, friends, my spouse.

I have an uncle who has prejudices against anyone that is not just like him. It is an issue for me that has been longstanding-we have had arguments for years at family gatherings when I get upset about some joke or off-color comment he made about some other race or religion. I now know he makes those types of comments half the time just to get a rise out of me so I try not to engage. However, I told him in no uncertain terms that those types of comments were not to be made under any circumstances in front of my children. Everyone in my family know he is a bigot and just avoids that part of his personality. I have to say that is he were a bad man it would be much easier to just write him off. But I like him-he is funny, into music, and has a lot to offer. I also know through many years of trying to show him ways in which his comments were clearly wrong that his mind can’t be changed. We still have to go to the family gatherings, and he will always be there. I try to educate my children about the type of man he is and prepare them for the types of things that he may say and that they are wrong. Thats my way of handling the issue. I try to pre-educate, and prepare. I know it will come up so handling it in that way also helps me feel better about when my children cannot be protected by me out in society when I can’t control the situation.

To address the original question:
I think inter family racism/bigotry occurs on many levels and is probably best viewed on a continuum or spectrum. For instance, we can assume that on the right side of the continuum is light hearted joking references regarding differences between racial, ethnic or cultural groups. Laneia gives a good example of this with the “we’re pilled in here like Mexicans story”. This statement could have easily been considered offensive but that was clearly not the intent.

Let’s say somewhere in the middle of the spectrum is the inappropriate references to racial, ethnic or cultural groups that may or may not be considered harmful pending the recipient of such remarks. I’ve heard people in my own family, Caucasian and African American; say something to the effect of “Asian women are not good drivers”. While it may not be a direct insult to other racial groups within my family, it is nonetheless offensive on some level, especially to Asians and Asian women. Surely a person could have some less than ideal thoughts such as the one mentioned above and not have feelings of superiority towards Asian people or other races.

And finally at the other end of the spectrum are the statements or opinions that display the outright bigotry, ethnocentrism and feeling of superiority that we all find harmful. Fortunately, I have not experienced this within my family. Surely during the times of slavery in America (and else ware), owners of slaves had sexual (consensual and nonconsensual) and very intimate relationships with their slaves or concubines. So I guess it is possible to feel racial superiority and engage in a relationship of some sort. However, that relationship would probably not be sustainable or healthy by today’s standards. I DO NOT think a person could be in a ‘healthy’, loving or caring relationship and be the conveyer or recipient of feelings of racial, ethnic or cultural superiority.

I am an American of Mexican descent and married to an American Caucasian man. When my husband’s friends and family make jokes about Mexicans it makes me feel very uncomfortable and offended. They say things like “If you are not white, your not right” and say tons of put-downs/jokes about me being Mexican. Recently I told them I didn’t get sunburned very often and the reply was “haha, that is the only good thing about being Mexican.”

It is really damaging my relationship with my husband because he doesn’t talk to his friends and family and let them know this is not okay with him. I have told the people that their comments are rude and racist but it really hasn’t seemed to make a difference. They just say that I can not take a joke. 

This is a very disturbing story. The pain this is causing you is quite clear. Firstly, to say you can’t take a joke – even if it were an obvious joke, if it caused you discomfort, one would think the joke makers would stop with those kinds of “jokes.”

Might I ask if you and your husband have children together?

Hi there,
Your comment makes me really sad, because your husband should stand up for you… anything that insults you and makes you feel bad should make him feel bad too. I am a white woman married to a black man and I know I take everything racist said about black people (by white people) personally. I feel like.. this is my FAMILY they’re talking about — my husband and my children. When I hear racist comments (or god forbid, the “N” word) I feel hurt and anger on a very deep level. I hope you can find a way to get through to your husband, to make him understand that he needs to be in your corner, that you are his family now and that his loyalty needs to lie with you. Aside from that, I would also refuse to be around anyone who makes racist jokes about you or insults you. What you want to have a sense of humor about (and with who) is YOUR choice!
Good luck, mermaidgirl….
Paysha

My husband is a hateful jerk and thinks that I dont have a sense of humor when he throws a racists joke hear and there. He always seems to make fun of people that he thinks are beneath him. I love humor when its not at the expense of someones feelings.
He seems to crack joke about my sisters weight and everyone around and tells I dont understand jokes and if its funny to him thats all that matters.
This man I married isnt a man , he is a disrespectful coward and the whole world should know what a deceitful jerk he is. He puts bently from thebachlorette to shame.